Freitag, 14. Dezember 2018
My Bubble
blumina, 21:45h
Today is the day my headache has returned once more. It tires me as it is hammering against my head from the inside.
I have failed to do anything producitve today, which would have been crucial, because of the test I am about to write on monday morning. Also I feel like I am another person not me anymore. I have isolated myself from almost everyone by moving to this utterly ugly city. And even now at this time I would normally call my gorgeous and kind boyfriend, but I don't feel like admitting my uselessness. I do not even get why he loves me. I am anything but pretty, anything but nice, anything but intelligent. I am a disappointment to everyone I love and care about. Isn't there a time to give them and me just a little break from this nonsense? So what did I do today? Well, I went to university and then learnt for 5 and a half hours, returned home to find that I could no longer unlock my door. So I called the janitor. He opened the door for me. After that I just sat there watching one episode after another of the Crown, eating Christmas cookies. Then after a small breakdown I decided to play a little violin, only to discover, that I am a lot worse than I had expected. I don't feel like the girl I used to be: Passionate about her dream, about her one true love, about her music whether it was the violin, the piano or her singing, about her body being in good shape.
Here I sit... Letting down learning for my dream. Hurting the feelings of my beloved John. Letting my body down as I put on more weight and not doing any sports. Letting down my love for music.
I am just not me. And I do not love this me. I hate it to be precise. It feels like there is a parasite inside of me, sucking out all of my will to live this life any longer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be better.
I have failed to do anything producitve today, which would have been crucial, because of the test I am about to write on monday morning. Also I feel like I am another person not me anymore. I have isolated myself from almost everyone by moving to this utterly ugly city. And even now at this time I would normally call my gorgeous and kind boyfriend, but I don't feel like admitting my uselessness. I do not even get why he loves me. I am anything but pretty, anything but nice, anything but intelligent. I am a disappointment to everyone I love and care about. Isn't there a time to give them and me just a little break from this nonsense? So what did I do today? Well, I went to university and then learnt for 5 and a half hours, returned home to find that I could no longer unlock my door. So I called the janitor. He opened the door for me. After that I just sat there watching one episode after another of the Crown, eating Christmas cookies. Then after a small breakdown I decided to play a little violin, only to discover, that I am a lot worse than I had expected. I don't feel like the girl I used to be: Passionate about her dream, about her one true love, about her music whether it was the violin, the piano or her singing, about her body being in good shape.
Here I sit... Letting down learning for my dream. Hurting the feelings of my beloved John. Letting my body down as I put on more weight and not doing any sports. Letting down my love for music.
I am just not me. And I do not love this me. I hate it to be precise. It feels like there is a parasite inside of me, sucking out all of my will to live this life any longer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be better.
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